The Trauma Olympics

“I am not consenting to constantly validate your existence and process your emotional distress for you.”

“I do not consent to be your toxic trauma dumping ground” - now scream it! Louder for those in the nosebleed sections! Just say no to the Suffering Olympics. This is not a competition. No one wins. Your social media followers are not The Giving Tree of validation.

No emotional labor is free, time is precious, and we must decide how we want to give of ours. We may want to comfort and help others, but what if there’s a perpetual crisis in their lives?

Log on- open social media app- we can see the absurdist competition every day- The Suffering Olympics. The biggest victim wins. Winning is how much you are willing to overshare and who has endured the greatest losses. Who has The Biggest Sad ™️. The Pathos MET GALA. The compare and contrast catalogues of indignities, pain, misery and unhappiness Most people don’t want to even compete. Some people are professional sufferers and Meeseeks. Existence is pain. They must share their agony, sometimes even overshare. Constant troubles, TMI, or vaguebook posts are empathy bait for sympathy. Pity is not winning. Platitudes are junk food kibble.

Sometimes people unload on you without your consent. They spiral into a one-person inventoried tragedy without buying you a drink even. You try to help. They asked a question. They ask specifically for advice. You give well-intentioned advice and think there’s going to be a dialogue. They asked for advice. But they actually meant is they wanted your time, undivided attention and free emotional labor.

They shall now unburden themselves on you, out of nowhere, because they asked advice and somehow it is related to the A thru Z, the entire looping alphabet of bad luck, misfortunes, bad people and catastrophes in their lives. You even may, trying to not get confused how the conversation just turned into a trauma dump, ask how the advice requested is related to A-Z of traumas directly, without any answer. The drive-by of their suffering and pain has emptied every clip possible and just left you leveled. You have been the victim of a trauma dump. So someone trauma dumps on you with a 10 ton-truck of tragedy, and you literally got drawn in with unrelated casual questions.

It all goes so wrong - there was an empathy bear trap set up- “I asked you a question seeking the wisdom of a group and varied experiences, but it’s actually to get your undivided focus and attention and recite a list of tragedies to elicit sympathy but are completely unrelated to the question. Gotcha! I am the black hole of neediness! Feed the vacuum within me! Look at all the terrible ways in I am/was/will be a victim Let me suck you dry!”and you may even feel tricked or exploited as your good intentions were used to Gish-gallop grief overwhelm you. You are suddenly carrying all their heavy baggage.

Then, they are rude, brusque, and stormily withdraw to punish you for not comforting them exactly as they want and feel rejected and ostracized though they left, and left you confused as to what just happened. It’s hurtful human behavior, and hurt people will hurt other people.

You must sometimes place your hand over your own full cup to say ‘No more” and not emptily console the overflowing IHOP carafe of bitter poisoned tea pouring from them with bottomless genuine sympathy from you.

People are awesome, and the majority are, but there are always some who are intent on suffering from Troubled Tragic Main Character Syndrome. All conversations are ultimately about them, and they have so much misery/pain/sadness/drama they must share. This is when the “it takes a village“ mindset crosses the line.

I hate suffering. I genuinely WANT to help everyone (dumbass me! You’re forgetting to put the oxygen mask on yourself first! You know better, Pixie!) so I switch to counselor/advocate mode. I ask questions to learn more, in order to help better and understand someone’s situation. If someone is sharing so openly with me, and completely focused on their feelings, I’ll make inquiries that may help them focus more on facts. They don’t respond to direct questions. They just want to go past venting into dangerous alienating territory.

Feelings are not facts. One can address facts and help others if they know more than just how someone feels about themselves and the situation. “My life sucks/Woe is me!” is their default setting and once people try pointing out their good traits or accomplishments or uses cognitive behavioral skills to help them reframe and try to stop their catastrophizing falls upon willfully deaf ears, communication breaks down.

It’s healthy to complain, express anger, dissapointment, frustration, pain, sorrow. But it’s not healthy to only express negative emotions and experiences and to make all conversations about the same negative feelings or experiences. It’s uncomfortable being emotionally dumped on.

For example- No one wants to be ill, but some of us are. We accept it. We refuse to be defined by it or let it control our lives or excuse any bad behavior. Even sick people, if mentally competent, are accountable to others, too. Health issues (physical and/or mental) are never a “get out of the social contract of decency” card. It is not a defense mechanism. It’s not an excuse. They sure as hell are not a privilege. Health status or suffering doesn’t give anyone the right to be a “dicktim”- “act like a dick and claim you’re a victim”. Your suffering is not a social media campaign. It’s your daily life

In training for my Diabetic peer counseling, ADA and HPV and cancer education and patient advocacy, we learn to share our stories and experiences in the medical field as a patient in ways to empower others and offer advice and. encourage them to self-advocate and practice self-accountability. There’s a dialogue. They want to find a solution. To know it’s okay to be distressed, to know others endure the same things, that others have already done something and has dealt with the terrible American medical healthcare system hokey-pokey of approvals to get treatment or such. They need to know it’s time-consuming in non-life threatening situations. Pain from non-traumatic (medically defined trauma, but also applies to long-term survived emotional trauma unless a threat to self or others) is not considered life-threatening, even if it feels like the totality of your existence. as an advocate, my job is to teach these things. Important things.

Important things like-

Trust your care team to do all necessary testing and fight for approval and there are hoops and a order of treatment as it’s proven to be optimal for health and gives many self-resolving health issues time to resolve and release on their own. They will appeal for you for diagnostics. Ask for hospital records. If you have records from a hospital, they will help expedite approval as they show it’s necessary testing to get an MRI if an ER X-Ray or other diagnostic testing shows a possible flag that needs color-determining.

Understand the triage system in the hospital. If they see you using your phone and posting on social media, you’re obviously not high priority. Gunshots, bleeding wounds, car accidents, strokes, and heart attacks are a lot different and higher priority than people going there for what could be dealt with in routine care. If you can communicate coherently and are sitting up and on your tablet, they don’t see it as an emergency. And yes, they are watching you, they are observing what you doing you are alone in your room so if you’re in agony when the nurse comes in or is called, but taking selfies and texting five seconds later, they are not going to take your pain as seriously because once the pain really hits a six or seven, you can’t text. At 10, you’re either screaming. flailing, or in a fetal position crying and struggling to breathe. They are trained and are judging you, as they should, to make proper treatment decision.

Often, “wait and watch” or “conservative treatment” is always the first step to do in many cases. Conservative treatment doesn’t require much, except from the patient and much PT can be done at home or a fitness center. You don’t need approval to Google exercises from qualified PT/physiotherapists. If it hurts, reduce weight, do less reps, consider an OTC brace, adjust your desk set up, and for the love of all that is holy, do not have bad habits like sitting curled up on the soft couch with your laptop on your lap. It’s not good for your neck shoulders and back. Your screen should be at eye level. Posture matters.

Conservative treatment is merely the opposite of cutting and invasive treatment, and few patients want that. Patients want resolution and sometimes it’s slow and frustrating. Yeah, scars add character, but unnecessary invasive treatment is sometimes using a nuclear bomb to scratch an itch on the scale of shit that feels unpleasant, but is not life-threatening.

I sometimes come across people on social media who cross the line from healthy venting to trauma dumping. Here comes a stereotypical complaining Karen…

I know several people who are named Karen, who are exceptional, wonderful human beings I hold in the highest regard, so I would like to apologize for using their name but unfortunately it is a name the collective American consciousness understands and there is an archetype needed, so to my Karen‘s, I’m sorry I used your name, this is NOT about you!

I am all for asking friends to send pet pictures and jokes and memes for a momentary distraction, especially if you ask about their pets and not just “like” posts when people share their memes, pets and jokes with you, have a warm light chat on your social, interact, have a dialogue. Not just ask and receive. Your social media followers are not the Giving Tree validation. But when you get oddly specific and ask people to say nice things, because you’re sad and need an ego-boost, you are “Sadfishing”.

From the Wiki-

“Sadfishing can be caused by many things, the main reason being that someone doesn't get enough attention, and/or has low self-respect. This is proven by the fact that people sadfishing are looking for compliments: very close to narcissistic behaviour, but with desire for compliments from other people for self-satisfaction. “

I understand that you have real problems (we all do!), I understand that you may have a medical issue, or mental health exacerbation, and are upset and scared and I understand right now —that it is the end of the world for you. However, that does not mean that all of us must be forced to participate in your self-flagellating pity party and actual demands for validation. I am not consenting to this suffering competition. I’m not giving you another of my limbs to hang yourselves on. No. This is a boundary for me

Yes, sometimes the “complaining Karen” is open and honest with their suffering and is self-aware enough to know that they are seeking validation and sympathy and actually requests exactly what they want. Sometimes, it’s just attention. I routinely see people in crisis repeatedly ask for compliments.

When you ask for them, compliments are generally insincere. If you have to solicit them, I would be very circumspect of them. Praise and pretty words don’t mean much if you have to ask for them. You are literally putting a burden on other people and demanding that they say something nice and flattering to you. Does this do anything to solve the A to Z litany of your problems?

It may help some with your mental health, distract for a mere moment, and validate you (kibbles! Yum!) but it does not solve the problem. The problem is a health issue, the problem is coping mechanisms associated with stressors, pain and unhealthy stress coping mechanisms, generational trauma, consequences of bad decisions even, but whatever it is, compliments and warm fuzzies are not going to actually fix it. There’s therapy and work to be done.

Sadfishing looks like this picture below and we’ve all seen it… it’s the equivalent of spilling a bucket of chum to attract sharks. Being vulnerable summons the social predators as well as your support brigade. No, you don’t need that. You deserve better.

It’s allegedly a Gen Z and Alpha thing, but I see non-adolescents and aging Xellenials and even my own Gen X, turning their every hangnail into epic dramas with cliffhangers. “Look at me-me-me-meeeeeee, oh how horrible my life is!!!”

Don’t overshare or vaguepost constantly about the bad. Yes, your life may suck and things may really be horrible, but look at you, you’re enduring! You are able to post about it!

If you have to post all about only the bad and sad things on your social media, you are reinforcing them for yourself. That becomes your complete blinders on reality.

You get trapped in that negative feedback loop. Change your own mental self talk and not demand others at your beck and call to give the positive messages that you should give to yourself.

As the cliché and memes of Facebonk say, “When everyone around you all day is an asshole, it’s possible that you’re the asshole“ likewise with narcissists, cheaters and bad people. If that is the energy and negative effort you put out into the world, and that is what you settle for, well, that is what you will get. We get what we give and tolerate.

Sometimes, the only common denominator, unfortunately, in our suffering is… us. It hurts to face this, but ultimately, and to move forward, one needs to face our own Shadow self. We need to do the work, dig into our heads and be uncomfortable being uncomfortable, understand why, do what is recommended by therapists and such, comply with treatment, and try to heal. We undo ourselves, backslide, repeat history, as much as we often create our own problems.

Hell, I’m guilty of disproportionate complaining too. I’ve embarrassingly posted about breaking a nail a couple times since 2012, and having to cut mine short and nubbinize them. Why was it worth even posting? It wasn’t. I don’t do so anymore as I know it was attention seeking behavior and nails grow back, too (I’ve Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis and a former nail-biter so nail health is a petty personal vanity thing for me. Mine haven’t been the same, even once I achieved euthyroid levels.🤣 )

We want our lives to be spectator sports. It’s blood, bread and circuses on social media. We create competition where there is none. There is no race to the bottom. Your suffering will not be rewarded. Your deep genuine pain and emptiness will NOT be filled by empty social media reactions and responses unless you’re as shallow as a puddle. You do not get rewarded for your self-martyrdom. It all means nothing.

The bottomless walls and feeds of hurt and pain don’t get you the help, support or even medical care you actually need. All those posts get is attention on you, and while it feels positive, it’s not.

Eventually, people see the pattern and you strain their genuine compassion. Interactions become hollow, every sport is the Suffering Olympics puts the audience in a spot where they are ultimately reduced to interactive obligation, the gentlest of manipulation and forced.

You can learn new life skills. Forge healthy real relationships, learn healthy coping mechanisms, shine in your own light, not demand the spotlight, hold space for others, let others share there experiences and learn from them, ask questions, and refuse to compete for pity kibbles that don’t allow you to thrive. You wind up with a dead stump from the most generous and lush-canopied of kind caring trees that way.

Ultimately kid, you’re on your own. You’ll either be okay, or you won’t. We all will go onto the inevitable darkness alone. If and when that terrible day comes, you may still be in the doctor’s office, alone. And you will survive, probably .

Thing is- YOU CAN DECIDE A LOT OF THINGS!! You have agency. Choose to take care of yourself, advocate for yourself, learn and choose better. You have yourself, and that is special. You are special. Love yourself. It’s hard. But you have to. Treat yourself better psychologically. But yourself first with kindness. Then others will as well.

This bitter old bat is signing off on this post...

🖤,

Pixie