Imagine This…
An Ehlers Danlos Syndrome Fan Fiction
Imagine this-
Imagine there’s a Creator, some Deity, a divine thing, she/he/it, doesn’t matter. It makes humans. They’ve got it down to a science. Self-replicating species. Sometimes they’re imperfect, they’re factory seconds, maybe minor flaws, slightly discounted but absolutely serviceable and no less valuable than the perfect ones, with their approximately 70-80 year batteries and cells programmed to short out eventually. This Creator’s been making humans and refining them for Millennia.
This DivineThing/Ms.Thang/Whatsit/Flying Spaghetti Monster/Doesn’t Matter gets bored one day and runs outta parts. The machine shop needs repairs as it went down like the Lusitania or a groupie while it was destroying humanity with fire, ice, or downpours over a hangnail it caused the Creator, and they have to improvise. In desperation, they go down into the cellar of their Great Aunt Ide and raid the house for parts. They even hit all the junk drawers- yes, plural, as Aunt Ide was eccentric and a bit of a hoarder, even amongst divinities.
Down in the cellar is the most amazing rubber band ball ever crafted. The unknown core could be a black hole or a speck of dust from the Big Bang itself. It’s that old. It’s the size of an impressive honeydew/canteloupe melon. Dwarfs a pomelo but definitely bigger than a “personal watermelon” at the fancy supermarkets produce section. It’s as large as, let’s imagine, an eight-pound-seven ounce baby’s head. It weight is four of those babies -this rubber band ball is so dense. It’s as huge as a politician or a hacks ego. It’s supermassive as rubber band balls go. Big ugly frayed ball. Not even remotely cute like some rare balls are. You do not want to playfully cup this ball.
Despite some pity for the sad state of the incredibly frail frazzled stretched out rubber bands on the outside of the ball, looped through the adjoining rubber band that went before, the Creator grabs some of these to use as tendons and ligaments instead of just running out and getting proper new rubber bands that are fresh, springy and able to snap back. Instead, they opted to use Aunt Ide’s archaic rubber bands in the creation of some of these self-replicating hominids.
These are the EDS zebras. No, it’s not erectile dysfunctional syndrome- the other EDS. The EDS here is Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. 13 flavors and variations. Systemic. Pain is the status quo. Mutants and their cousins with hypermobility syndrome, often spotted in competitive gymnastics, ice skating, pornography, and a favorite act at the Cirque de Soleil in their youth and primes.
It’s not special effects, they’re not Maybelline, they’re born with it. They move in mysterious ways, in the image of their whimsical Creator. The edgier more-inked and tattooed EDS people can be found at the Jim Rose Circus or on retro late-night shows found in VHS-grainy YouTube videos of people twisting their limbs in what looks like painful unnatural ways as they put themselves through an unstrung tennis racquet. In the dreadful avocado, harvest gold and russet era of antiquity (the 1970’s), you’d see them on “The Gong Show” and “That’s Incredible”
EDS-ers are one of the Creator’s accidental spectator sports. When the pain and weirdness is all one ever knew, one doesn’t even know it’s not normal. Welcome to the freakshow, sweetie!
Exhibit #1 is a woman, approximately 36, years of age, with type 3 EDS, also known as classic Ehlers-Danlos. She was last seen playing hide-and-seek with her toddler son. Note the presence of petechiae on her neck, arms and torso. Incorrect assumption, petechiae are not just on strangulation victims. The pattern of capillary bleeding causing bright red pinpoints on the skin can be mistaken for a common rash as well. Weak capillaries can also be found in EDS.
She also presented with severe contusions and bruising on her limbs in various states of healing and bilateral shoulder subluxation and multiple healed fractures. The right hip is dislocated. Tell me what happened?
Domestic abuse was ruled out. She lived alone with a toddler. No injury from impact. No tantrum did this. The family cat looked at her the wrong way and bruised her. It happens.
Stigmata? Very clever comment, no, if you look at someone with EDS the wrong way, they may bruise. They usually do bruise.
That is why we here at Cypress-Sahara Hail Caesar Eternia By the Power of Greyskull Home By the Sea Medical Center, we now issue bubble wrap rolls to all ER, rheumatologists and orthopedic physicians. It is the safest way to handle someone with EDS and quickly becoming the gold standard of Ehlers Danlos care.
She was found in a Rubbermaid hamper less than 4 square feet in volume. Folded up. Her ex-husband picked up her son for the weekend and did not realize she had collapsed in her hiding spot. Child could not articulate she was stuck. Did not know where mother was hiding. Died of dehydration, internal injuries and asphyxiation from when rib punctured lung and diaphragm as they sought to unfold themselves from their hiding spot, apparently when she heard husband leaving with child according to the Ring Camera and time of death. Most unfortunate loss to the child and surviving family.
Exhibit #2 is a man aged 60. EDS. He was an ADA advocate at war with a small New England village. The sidewalks were uneven and his wheelchair hit a uneven patch of walkway in the downtown shopping district causing him blunt force trauma to his skull.
Note the complete lack of broken bones. EDS patients bounce, bend, but rarely break. Internal organ injuries must be ruled out when they present in an Emergency Medical setting. They have unusual pain tolerances due to congenital improper assembly. Note the unusual hands. He was an exceptional bass player due to his hyperextending fingers and unusual hand span. Made him quite popular with the ladies, gents and various other genders. He looked fucking fantastic in fishnets. Gorgeous legs!
His brain suffered severe slurrification during the ejection from his wheelchair and his bodily launch at high velocity across a city pedestrian crossing. Bubble wrap could have prevented this.
Bubble wrap is now issued to all graduates of all orthopedic professional programs. Use it or lose patients. Brace yourselves, really brace, it prevents dislocations.
Bubble wrap also provides endless hours of entertainment for the patients. Send me my fresh bubble wrap rolls please! I’m almost out!
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