Imaginary Open Letters to Semi-Imaginary Monsters

Satire About Horror Drama

Sometimes you need to be snarky and make jokes. Satire is essential. There will always be dramatic writers. Due to a few people behaving badly, I decided to create the satirical piece below and create a fictional troll.

Any resemblance to people, real or imaginary, is purely the projection of the reader. Anyone to whom this open letter is possibly the imagined fictional person or persons this may, or may not be potentially addressed to, I am not responsible or accountable for any moral, legal, social or butthurt.

No literary dramaturges or poets, tinfoil hatters, or nontroversy crafters or repeat offensive shit-stirrers, real or deceased, were unjustly implied in, attacked or injured in the creation of my snark. They make good flash fic comedy gold. Sometimes the snark must flow!

I just like my popcorn and a safe distance from them.

Dear Mr/Mx __________,

Please remove me from your “bullshit/petty grudges/demands for attention/drama/pretensions of grandeur/groveling for relevance/name dropping conspiracy laundry lists/unfounded gossip/ libel/slander/trolling/doxxing and incredibly bad fan fiction” letter writing, email distribution lists, and social media immediately.

Frankly, Mr (and Mx. when it benefits you to hide misogyny) ________, sadly, IDGAF, nor am I part of this amazing shitshow you’ve created. It’s obviously hard to be the center of the universe. You deserve a break from all the hard work you’ve done. It’s a fantastic shitshow of the highest calibre. Sofa King Scary!! You’ve already given me far too much credit I don’t deserve and didn’t earn. The slimelight is all yours.

Your increasingly (!!!!!!) unprofessional behavior and your mental health and physical health problems are not my concern or my problem.

You always surpass yourself in foolish delights, only equal to one Nickolas A. Pacione, author of the iconic book in the same field and genre as you, An Eye In Shadows: Memoir from a Controversial Mind. I think you’d like each other and have a mutual fan club and moots already. Get in touch with him, I recommend him to you, unfortunately he’s not even an acquaintance or professional peer of mine so you can’t just friend him from my socials by Facestalking my Facebonk from the profiles I couldn’t find and block when I went No Contact. Just remember, he wrote that legendary scathing memoir screed first, it’s his IP, and he will always be the bestest ever in the horror community.

Please publish your memoirs before your brain melts so readers can lavish you with the readership, reviews, adulation, conga rat rations, effigy conflagrations, congratulations, and award recommendations you so genuinely deserve. We horror readers want to read your books and have them featured in all dayroom book clubs.

We always crave third times the charm microwaved leftovers and fresh hot reprint reprints. As an environmentalist, you’re a paragon of recycle, reduce and reuse, although you do it with people and you can’t reuse people, although you can apparently name-drop them like flogging a very dead horse.

You have issues, obviously. You have entire volumes and subscriptions, apparently, and I did not subscribe to your Encyclopedia Dramatica yearbook even. I didn’t even purchase the introductory volume “A (is for Assholes)” to line my Guinea pig cage when you first showed up peddling the finest shitpapers in whatever subgenre you’ve smeared yourself on your latest rising from the dead and disgrace trick.

I know you hate the word “No” and healthy boundaries. I know any apathy and mockery hurts your tender anus and you like to be the top when fucking people over and have an emesis fetish apparently.

I know it’s terribly wrong of me to yuk your yum. I’m vanilla, in cosmic comparison, unfortunately. It explains why I never heard of you until the friend request from hell. You’re as hilarious as herpes, I imagine.

Boast wishes and All my Nothingness!

Pixie